I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
