Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
