If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
stop calling my apartment porn island.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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