I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
