Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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