I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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