I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
