And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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