ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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