cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
