Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
