yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
