I am spending my child support on dildos
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
