paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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