And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
