Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
