This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
