$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
