Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
its liver damage thursday
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
