I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She's the barista slut.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.