It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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