Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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