the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
