You're my little dorito
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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