I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
