I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
