Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
