So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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