Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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