The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
