Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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