Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
