Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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