im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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