I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
People in love make me want to vomit
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
