It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
