Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize