I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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