i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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