I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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