carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
