i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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