Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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