I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
