i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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