Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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