Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
