I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
