You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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