Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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