Ketchup is God's man juice
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
