Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
