talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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