Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
