Can i not drive my cunt home
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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