just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
