i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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