I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
