WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
