Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
