Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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