Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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